Funny. How quickly we get used to things. If you’re a human that doesn’t revel in drama (which I don’t). However much I try, I just can’t get up the energy to sustain emotional ‘feels’. Perhaps there’s something physiologically wrong with me!? Perhaps I have a thing, other than the thing I have… like autism, or psychosis, or personality disorder or some shit. Or maybe I’m just a human that just isn’t that bothered by stuff. Perhaps it goes with my doomy, pessimistic, cynical nature. Perhaps the inability to care too much about big things is because I always sort of expect life to be a head-fuck, so I’m not surprised by it. *shrugs.
After discovering another half ‘family’, I’ve sort of moved on from that now. It’s old news! At some point we’ll meet up, there’s a few likes on facebook, every so often a short run of one sentence messages, but mostly, I’m relieved that they too, seem to have a fairly non-amazed approach to the situation. I wonder if they also dread the idea of having to go through the ‘small talk’ phase of getting to know people. I wonder if it’s enough for them to know I’m real. I don’t hold any emotion for them at all. They are strangers, completely, who I happen to share some DNA with. The only part I’m intrigued about when we finally meet up, is seeing if there are any behavioural traits shared. To see in myself the evidence of Nature v’s Nurture.
I’m sort of dreading the meet up actually. I’m shit at new social situations at the best of times and typically end up making some social faux-pas, like mentioning my own bowel habits or, spraying beer in someone’s face (this has actually happened), or bringing to, a disparaging light, someone’s appearance before realising there’s a person nearby who looks exactly like the person I’m describing. Eg:
“Yeh, stupid like those girls who wear track-suits and hoop earringg…” Quickly begins to drink pint as just made eye contact with a barmaid who is all tracksuit and hoop earrings.. and cross looking… and rest of bar has stopped to look at me, because she was actually serving me all night and I was talking to her even… (This has actually happened too).
The act of small talk escapes me. What is a suitable conversation piece with people who share some of your DNA? Beyond ‘hello’, what do you say?
‘Soo.. your Dad fucked my mum. what a playa!’…?
‘Haaa.. look! Your eyebrows look like mine!.. what are the chances!’..?
‘Do you love cheese as much as I do?’..?
‘Soo.. sorry for being the youngest all of a sudden.. didn’t mean to piss on your established family dynamic’…?
‘Don’t worry, I’m not hear for the inheritance!’.. laughlaughlaugh… ?
Maybe I’ll just go the usual route.
‘Soooohhh.. this is weird… who wants a pint!?’